Dust off those Sex Toys!

Just like we aren’t born knowing how to ride a bicycle, we aren’t born knowing how to use sex toys. It may seem instinctive, intuitive, or at least think it should be just as we’re trying to understand the many different functions of that new gadget we just got.



Most of the time, I am enticed by the packaging or the marketing of a new toy. Like a little girl super excited about testing out her newest acquisition, I usually go home and take my shiny new object for a test drive as soon as privately possible!

I would love to say that every toy I’ve ever bothered to purchase worked the way it was supposed to and gave me endless amounts of pleasure. But alas, this was true for about 60% of the toys I’ve purchased.

Sure we girls have different anatomies and different toys just seem to do it for different people. But, there are some techniques and certain gadgets that seem to be universally accepted as the “sure thing.”

Being classified as someone that is a “hard” come, or rather difficult to orgasm, I accepted that despite the almost unanimous claims of the Rabbit as being a wonder-toy that I was the exception to the rule. Little did I realize that a lot of making a toy work was revisiting it and practicing with it! Much like riding a bicycle or doing anything new. Practice!

The Rabbit, as I’ve pointed out above, was one of the first toys I’ve ever tried in my adult life and summarily dismissed. It was also one of the first toys that I revisited a few years later to discover what everyone else had—bliss, pure orgasmic bliss! I am not sure if it was user error, user impatience, user frame of mind, and/or better and new technology. Maybe it was as combination of all of these factors that made the first experience a not so good one and the later experience a MUCH better one!

Either way, it taught me that my anatomy wasn’t all that different. I might still be difficult to orgasm by some standards, but if a toy worked for a good number of people, then I probably wasn’t using it right. Also, it made think that there were toys in my box of “unused” sex toys that I should revisit and retest.

The four different factors: user error, impatience, frame of mind, and new/better technology, were things that I began to look at more closely as I looked into my history of toy usage.

In almost all, but two, my partner and I were able to go back to some of the toys that have puzzled me, or rather us, in the past and made them work. Hurrah! Not only did I feel gratified that the money I spend wasn’t wasted after all, which was usually part of the disappointment that I felt after a new gadget didn’t work it’s magic, but I also learned something new about myself, my anatomy, and where my mental or emotional state had to be in order for some of these things to work.

A lot of the times, I really needed just to relax, take more time, and live more in my body and less in my mind—essentially it was the letting go of expectations and allowing the body to just respond to the design of the toy. There’s a certain amount of release in the mind that has to happen and a certain amount of allowing one to live fully in the body and the senses that isn’t taught to many people. My suspicion is that this is what has made it so difficult for me to achieve orgasm previously.

Re-trying and revisiting some of these toys was really fun! My partner and I, already doing recent research into g-spot orgasms, were also able to put some of our new found knowledge to use and found that these techniques go hand-in-hand with the ergonomics and design of some of these toys that we prior to felt were useless!

So, I guess I can’t really say I’m a “hard” or difficult come. I’ve had too much recent success to be able to complain about that! But I will say that the old adage, “practice makes perfect” is true in the case of many toys. Having some determination and creativity in making something work is also needed, along with a good dash of patience and maybe even a little bit of analytical thought.


It seems like sex toys shouldn’t be this hard to work and that it should just do its “thing” and get you off. Well, I hate to burst your proverbial bubble, but most toys aren’t like that. And thank goodness! If they were, well, we wouldn’t have to think and they wouldn’t be as much fun. In fact, I would argue that maybe the reason these toys aren’t so fun to figure out is that most people have to do it on their own! Sure, I can see where if you just want to release some pent-up tension, doing some analytical work on a new object will probably make for some very frustrating minutes with yourself and your new gadget. And, the whole factor of patience is then thrown out the window!

If you do decide you want to revisit or re-try a toy, I suggest doing it with your partner. It’s always more fun to do it as a team and two heads are better than one, erm….two people thinking on the ergonomics and design that is! If you’re honey isn’t too sure about using toys or thinks they are strange and weird, this is a wonderful time to enlist their help and get them used to the idea of toys as an additional enhancement in your bedroom repertoire!

There are so many good reasons to revisit that old box of sex toys that just didn’t seem to quite do it the first time! Learning about yourself and your anatomy, saving a little money, having some fun with your partner! I hope you do try to go back to your little box of idle sexy playthings and get it on!!!

Here are the few that I have re-called on and had some triumphs:


The Rabbit, or the new Impulse Jackrabbit (Cal Exotics SE0610203), this was definitely a case of where I was too much in my head, not enough in my body, and new/better technology!



Lucid Dreams, #14, by Doc Johnson (0926-01). This is one of Doc Johnson’s most popular g-spot toys. I felt it didn’t do much for me! But after revisiting this little number armed with some new techniques that my boyfriend and I had learned, this is a new gem in our collection that had previously been gathering dust for over 2 years!

The Idea of Being Tied Up: Ok, so this isn’t a toy. But, it was a toy or rather some sexy bedroom accoutrements that made me change my mind about this kinky, kinda S&Mish sexual occupation. Ahhhh, the Sportsheets! Yes, this was all about me, where I was at in my head, and learning how to tell my partner what I like and didn’t like. Not only did I learn about myself and teach my partner how to please me, I also learned the empowerment that comes with knowing what personally turned me on and being able to communicate it so that it could be used on me! Wow!


So, folks, I heartily encourage you break into your dusty toy chests and do some experimenting and exploring. At the same time, I also want to persuade any and all of you that purchase toys today but don’t get satisfaction from the first time you try it to try that puppy again! Practice, practice, practice! No, it doesn’t make for perfection, but it does, more often than not, make for a whole lot of fun!

Introducing: The Freak-O-Meter

I often forget how shocking I can be to the uninitiated eye.


My love for dramatic color and flair is something that I have embraced with such abandon. The fluorescent colors and hyper-pigments of my make-up, clothing, and hair have been accepted by most of the people that see me on a daily basis. What to many seems garish, outlandish, and outré to me just seems…well, normal!


I live by the rule, do what makes you happy (with the proviso not to harm anyone or thing). And, what makes me happy are colors. Lots of them!!!


It seems too, that my colorful shell matches a lot of my inner energy. So, it might be said that I’m a loud, colorful, and intense personality. Hell, I like to call it amiable and dazzling, but I think more would say that I am very assertive. The more charitable of the bunch would say that my personality is simply strong. But, I am as mushy and sentimental as they come. Rather, the more you know of me the more you will realize that I am quite gentle of spirit, even if somewhat flamboyant in appearance.


It made me wonder and protest to myself, just because I have a loud appearance doesn’t necessarily mean that I have a loud personality!!! Ok, I admit, I am high-energy and I do have a flair for the dramatic. But, I also have a deep, spiritual side that can be still. My capacity for this is not overshadowed by my love for color or vividness in all things.


I found this dichotomy interesting and pondered about what I might be projecting—sexually—that is.


A memory from a few years ago came to me in my musings. I remember being hit on by a guy in a bar at a local hotspot, Sino at Santana Row, then a swanky-singles-meat-market, if you will. This yokel’s S.O.P. was to grab the hands of girls, read their palms, and tell them their future. While I laughed this guy’s flimsy attempt at a gimmick, his “reading” of my palm did give me pause.


“You appear very sexual, but in point of fact and reality are not!” Putting aside the artless and terrible application of reverse psychology and pop-metaphysics, the guy's proclamation nonetheless made me stop and think.


Perhaps, though I appear exuberant and vocal about my sexual appetites, much like that of my appearance, I am not really as “freaky,” or as outlandish, or eccentric in my sexual demands or desires. So it lead me to thinking about other friends that seemed sexually open and vocal. After segregating the sexually vocal to who I deemed in my mind as almost-sexually mute, I began to think that there is no real correlation between being sexually outspoken to that of being sexually peculiar.


Just because you are loud doesn’t also mean you are freaky!


For example, I like guys that take the lead and are in control; they’ve got to be firm and make me feel feminine and overwhelmed. I’m rather opinionated about this and tell just about anyone that asks me what my preference is to lovemaking. However, if you think on it, this is not that uncommon for a lot of women. It seems that it is simply easier for my very sexually vociferous friends and I to talk about what we want in the bedroom.


Others, however, require a much more quiet and intimate setting before they give up their secrets. I had the privilege of learning some of the sexual proclivities of some of my quieter, less flamboyant friends in past few months; and I will be honest, they shocked me! Some of these quiet, unassuming, yet very layered and complex people have some really layered and complex desires. It makes sense and yet perception seems to be so counter-intuitive.


So, having this on the brain, I got into a rather long, but fun, debate with my friends a few weekend ago regarding the idea that strong sexual personalities, or rather seemingly strong sexual personalities, also tend to project strong sexual proclivities—i.e. they look like they rank up in the Freak-O-Meter because they are vocal about their sexual appetites.


Ahh, yes, we’ve come to the very scientific Freak-O-Meter. It's really just an arbitrary scale measuring sexual penchant—basically, it’s a freak-flag measuring stick. It’s foundation relies mostly on observation, conjecture, sneaky surveys that I've peppered into normal conversation, and at present, from some long, but very friendly debates.


I argued with everyone that just because I told everyone what I liked didn’t make me high on the Freak-O-Meter scale! In fact, I tried to make a case that I was a good, solid 6.5. I was laughed home and given a 9 unanimously by the group that I was debating. Yikes!


So, I can’t argue that I’m a 9 since they’ll all just think what they want to anyways. However, doesn’t it make you stop and think about the quiet ones; the ones who seem reserved and patient; the ones that seem ready to explode?


I explode with colors and excitement all the time at all things, I don't perceive myself to be pent up and feel rather secure in emphatic gestures or sentiments. However, others that aren't nearly as comfortable with being sexually brazen, we might mistake to rank at 4.5 or a 5.2 on the scale because they have more mellow attitudes and are less ostentatious. And, more often than not, we'd be wrong!


Think about it!


Doesn’t anyone remember a quiet lover that completely took them by surprise because they didn’t seem to be so freaky, so nasty, so dirty from first blush? And haven’t a lot of them been the ones that don’t necessarily have to be so expressive about it?


I hate to conclude that simpler tastes and minds express themselves more simply or more readily, because I don’t believe myself to be that simple. However, I do know and believe that despite my complexities, I tend to express and think in simpler terms; less in layers and rather more in singular interconnected ideas. And so, I also tend to express my sexuality and desires in simpler, singular, yet interconnected ideas.


On the flip-side, it can’t be summarily said that quiet, less-vocal people are more complex and, so too, that means their expressions and ideas, especially about sex and their sexuality, are equally so. I think we all have layers and unique idiosyncratic sexual appetites. In truth it’s subjective as to where one falls on the Freak-O-Meter. If I’m judging the gal next to me based on my Freak-O-Meter, she might fall higher or lower based on what’s comfortable for me and what shocks my socks off. But, if the same gal were to rate me based on her own scale, I may or may not be as high or low as I think I fall on mine as the scale now has a new barometer--now it's based on the imaginary, invisible gal's freakiness-factor sitting next to me.


I’d really love to Trade Mark the Freak-O-Meter, but since it’s a sliding scale, it might be difficult to get peeps to buy into it if their subjectivity is a variable in determining benchmarks. Besides, someone beat me to it, check out http://www.freakometer.net/


I'd like to challenge the idea that I'm a real "9," as I may appear to rank high because of my seeming expressiveness. My friends, or anyone else for that matter, will need to examine their own Freak-O-Meter scale before I can fully rank on it. In turn, I'll have to look at my own scale and determine why I think I rank a 6.5, because if I perceive myself as such, then what the heck does it say about what shocks and awes me if a 6.5 on my scale is really a 9 on others?


Well, for now, I’m freaky until proven otherwise!


How do you rate on your Freak-O-Meter and why? I’d like to know!?


***Wave Your Freak Flag Fly Gear Pic courtesy of http://waveyourfreakflag.com/ ***

****Freak-O-Meter website http://www.freakometer.net/ ****